The pixels of my smartphone were showing the mandatory news feed from my friends on the social media. I had no interest in what they were doing with their lives, only a few catchy ones I would shed some attention on them, for the other feeds were akin to junk to me, just as something to kill time. Some of them I did pay close attention to, the people who I trust, and the people who I fell for, in love.
After the crucial examination of my life, I kept a close eye on the one I loved. She was always the sociable one, the one who could fraternise with anyone, the one who you would spend a lifetime on. It was kind of like stalking, but since I had put a hiatus between our friendship by telling her how I really felt about her, how I fell for her. She started to ostracise me, I was afraid to talk to her because I would be annoying her. To put it in the plain and modern language, she friend-zoned me.
She was working during December in an ice-cream store with a couple of her friends, I was working at a restaurant near my house, we were separated by distance, the gap which could demolish any kind of foundation of relationships. I attempted to have a small chat with her on whatsapp. Since the conversation stiffened, I ended it with an abrupt leave from my side. It was awkward, difficult, and heart-breaking to having a taste of the consequences of my impetuous acts.
It had been half a year or so after my stupid move, I still regretted it up until this very second. We could spend hours talking over the phone, but now we could not even send a single text to one another. I did wish her during the Christmas and the New Year. It was a simple gesture that I recognise this relationship as being just friends only.
She went on many vacations, I did not dared to ask her how was her trip, did she have fun. These trivial questions were buzzing in my head. But, I pushed them to the back of my mind, trying to focus on what was ahead of me.
I phoned my friends for advice of what I should do in this kind of situation. One of them said remained just as friends. Another said just be passive. Both of them have their own point, they were right that she was not ready to step into a relationship, I was too quick to force something out of nothing, I should have kept my feelings to her all to myself right from the very start, so that I would not be in this kind of situation.
What is done, is done. I could not reverse time, I could not change the past. I could change myself for the future, until the next time I would be meeting her. The realisation struck me, I should change, I sworn to myself to become more like her, to be a better man for her in three years time.
Three years… I thought.
“Would she be taken?” I asked Joe.
“Err…” Joe stammered.
“I mean… you know… how charming she is… I’m afra…”
“What is yours would be yours, don’t force things to happen. Time would be the main factor now.” Joe spoke the universal truth.
“Would she be taken?” I asked Lee.
“Maybe. She is an easy target.” Lee said in a simplistic tone, “What is yours would be yours eventually, don’t force happiness, no good would be done to you. Just be patient. If she’s yours, time would be the only factor, you guys would be together.” Lee said the exact same thing as Joe.
Three years should it be. I need to enhance myself. Time is not on my side. I thought.
She went ahead of me, went to a college in mid-January. I did not text her anymore, I was afraid that I would bother her, that I would irritate her, that I would annoy her. A pang of inferiority hit me like a truck. I could not stop her from doing what she wanted to do, it is wrong to so. I pulled myself out of all these.
When I sworn to make something happen, it will happen.
Give me time.
P.S. JAN 2017
a three-years plan.
a hope that was akin to the slightest light in the end of the tunnel.